Episode 25

Reclaiming Bitch: The Power of Assertive Confidence

Episode Summary

On this episode of A Whole Lotta Shift, host Jen Ingram dives into the power of assertive confidence and reclaiming the term "bitch." She emphasizes the importance of using "I" statements, learning to say no without guilt, and setting personal and professional boundaries. Jen shares a personal story of a time when she was asserting herself with confidence to advance her career and gain autonomy, proving that being assertive doesn't mean being disrespectful.

By practicing these strategies, listeners can gain the confidence to become stronger decision-makers and leaders in all aspects of life. Jen also encourages listeners to share their experiences and challenges in establishing boundaries, as it can lead to personal and professional growth.


Tune in to this episode as Jen explores the misconception that assertive women are seen as "bitches" and provides valuable insights on developing assertiveness in communication and decision-making.


About the Host:

Jen is a Dream Catalyst and Business Mentor saving hustling female solopreneurs from the chains of corporate America. Her passion lies in helping women through their self awakening so they can finally break free, turn their side hustle into the business of their dreams, and live a life full of time, location and financial freedom.

Jen is a California girl at heart, now living out her dream in the Midwest, traveling, coaching female solopreneurs and sharing her own story of triumph and empowerment across speaking platforms. When she's not traveling, she enjoys spending time with her college aged son and her rescued Pit Bull.

After 20 years of various project manager and corporate trainer roles while juggling a wide array of side gigs, she has mastered the ability to help women see what they cannot see, believe they are meant for more and take aligned action to make it happen. With an MBA in Change Management, and a Health and Life Coach Certification from the Health Coach Institute, Jen is an expert at creating both the business process changes and the personal habit changes needed to finally Break UP with corporate and go all-in on your side hustle or long standing passion project.

Connect with Jen on Facebook or Instagram!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jenelleingram/

Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/wholelottashift/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/midwestvalleygirl/

Free Gift: https://mailchi.mp/4f4ae02ebe45/beat-the-odds


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Transcript
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But I gotta tell you, if you don't establish those boundaries

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for yourself and make those boundaries clear.

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That feeling that you're getting walked all over, that feeling

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of I'm not being heard that feeling of I feel like

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nobody is listening to me is just gonna continue because

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there's no boundaries that have been set that have that say

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This is okay, and this is not okay. This is a boundary

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for me. It's really important.

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Welcome to a whole lot of Shift podcast. The

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podcast for multi passionate women with an entrepreneurial spirit,

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where we provide inspiration, motivation, and education to

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help you shift away from all the shoulds and post twos to

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what's truly possible for you in your business and your

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life, all on your own terms. You ready,

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girl? Let's make Shift happen.

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Hello. Welcome to another episode of a whole lot of Shift,

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Thank you for joining. If you're joining in the Facebook group today, please be

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sure to say hello, and we are kicking off

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part 3 in our confidence series today. So I'm super

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excited to get this kicked off because today

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is about reclaiming the word bitch.

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Right? And having that power to be

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assertive with confidence and

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realize that an assertive woman is not a bitch.

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So we're kinda here to display that myth. If you were in the group, I

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had posted something prior to prior to today's copy chat,

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saying that it really, really irritates me what a woman is

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expressing herself or she's being assertive in her needs or wants or what have

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you, and somebody tries to claim then that she'd been a bitch and

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like, no. These are two different things. two very different things, and

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I think it's important for us to talk about the fact that you don't have

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to be quote unquote a bitch to be seen or heard.

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Right? So that's kind of what we're gonna get kicked off today. I'm going to

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share with you guys some some tips and some strategies

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first. And then we're gonna when I get into a story that I think

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is gonna be really helpful for you, I have a story to share about one

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of the first times when I truly asserted myself with

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absolute confidence, and it really was something that

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was incredibly pivotal in my career and

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helped me transition my career to where I really wanted to

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go and help me kind of set up my

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plan to get out, if you will. So I think you guys are gonna

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like the story, but I'm gonna start first just kind of talking

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about What it means to be assertive, what it means to be assertive with

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confidence, and maybe some strategies or some tips to be thinking about as

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you're trying to to feel confident and assertive.

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Right? So I already kind of said that I really hate

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when a woman is being assertive, and it's assumed and that she's being

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She's being a bitch. It's just it's such a misconception, and I really

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think it comes down to in

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society, it's like we aren't used to

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women fully confidently expressing themselves.

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And we've been told for, at least,

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as a woman who was once a young girl, was told her full

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wife you know, quote unquote, being nice. And

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usually being nice meant sitting down,

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being quiet, not being seen, heard, making

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yourself small, you kinda stood in the corner, you did this little

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thing. Right? Being assertive doesn't

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mean you're being bitchy. You're simply starting to take up the space

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that you deserve, the space that you're worth as a human

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being, and expressing your needs and your wants confidently.

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And you can do that and be respectful of others, and that's simply being assertive.

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It's not being bitchy. So, anyway, This is really important when

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we think about our business because this is really

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gonna help you gain confidence as you start

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kind of practicing how to assert yourself and how to really speak

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your mind. But it's gonna help you gain your confidence

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in in how you talk with others, but

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also the decisions that you make, right? Because it's gonna

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start becoming really clear for you, the decisions that you need to make

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once you start expressing what your thoughts and your ideas and your

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feelings are, the clarity for those decisions is

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gonna come through that process So that's why I'm kind of

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taking you guys through this whole process of the confident series because

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this absolutely relates to you and how you're

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conducting your business. Alright. So I kinda wanna talk a little

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bit about some of the strategies. Some of the things to think about

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when we're talking about being assertive. The first one that I

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want you to think about is first one I want you to think about is

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using more i statements. In other words, like,

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I think or I feel or

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here are, you know, here are my thoughts. And the reason

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that this becomes important is is 1, your thoughts

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and ideas are valid, and they deserve to be expressed,

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2, if it's a situation of conflict,

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you know, a a relationship conflict, We

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definitely want to make sure that you're expressing your

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feelings, your emotions as they relate to you, and not

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what the other person has done. You should be expressing

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how you feel not

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what you perceive the other person has done and what you're assuming

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the other person must have bought. You can only

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hold yourself accountable for your own thoughts, your own actions, your

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own feeling. So this is where it becomes important that you're using

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I statements, and you're saying, I think, I feel, and we're

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just using these examples. But listen, this doesn't even this

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doesn't just equate to those relationships in using those I statements.

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Right? I think this happens just quite simply in our careers is women

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sitting in conference rooms with men, and how many times do

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you have this really great idea, and maybe you don't

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express it or even when you do, you know, it kind of

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express maybe timidly or because you're just You're

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convinced nobody's gonna think this is a good idea. I don't even think I should

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say anything, you know, etcetera, etcetera.

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With practice, there's no reason that you can't show up in

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those situations. And very clearly

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and and and here's what becomes important. Right? that you're just being direct,

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transparent, honest, and saying your thoughts tonight and

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your ideas. There's no If not that somebody else's idea is a

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bad idea, you're simply stating very clearly, concisely

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what your idea is. And I can promise you

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that the more that you do that over time,

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the more confidence you're gonna get around it and the easier it's

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going to become for you, and again, that's going to build up the

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confidence that you need for you to become a better decision

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maker because being a strong decision maker is

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what helps you make become a strong leader in both your

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life, your business, your career, all the areas.

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Okay? Using i statements, that's number 1. Learning to say

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no. If you followed me for a while at all wanted things that

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I think I've posted a few times is no is a complete sentence.

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It doesn't have to be oh my gosh. I'm really sorry. I

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think, you know, I just I have a lot going on, and so I don't

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think I wanna be able to do that. Absolutely not.

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No is a complete thing. You don't have to explain

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yourself to every single person when they've asked you to do something. You can simply

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say no, I can tell you that I have some friends in my life who

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are just very direct, and and they

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definitely exude this example of just saying no

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As the receiver of that, I really freaking

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appreciate it. Right? It makes life so simple. It's like, hey. Oh my gosh.

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This sounds so cool. You wanna do this? No. No. Sometimes, I'm

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like, okay. But it's clear. They're just like,

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you know, not really my thing. No. Done. The conversation's

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done. Like, I'm not offended. Cool.

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It makes life so much simpler instead of there being like this

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wishy washy kind of conversation, no

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is a complete sentence, and you get to say no. That's really a

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part of setting up your boundaries. I'm gonna get to that in a minute. But

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it's okay to say no and not feel guilty,

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and it's okay to say no and not have to feel like you have to

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explain yourself to someone else.

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That's that's really important. Strategy 3,

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I kind of already touched on this just a little express

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your your emotions openly, honestly, transparently. It's not a sign of

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weakness It's really not. It's

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about you being able to say, hey, here's how this

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scenario impacted me, and now I feel You know, maybe

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I I now have some some distrust here in this relationship

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and, you know, etcetera. Whatever that is,

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those feelings You can just be transparent

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and honest, but just be clear about them. I know I keep repeating that one,

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but expressing your emotions and being open about that is

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also super important. It's also going to

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really help you have better relationships, whether

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that be personal relationships, business relationships, if

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you're openly able to say hey. I really feel

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like right now that's not the path I'm gonna go down in my business because

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I feel like that's gonna be too much. Or, you know,

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Whatever your thoughts or feelings are, you get to just express those, and

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that gets to be it. You also don't have to come up with 50,000,000

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excuses. You don't have to say, you know what? This just feels

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like a bad idea to me. I'm a highly intuitive person, and I

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can tell you that if there's something that I'm working on and it just to

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feel itchy, and it starts to feel like I don't know. Like,

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I'm pushing. I have zero problems

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just saying, you know what? This just doesn't feel right. I'm doing it.

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Not doing it. And that's okay. That is my feeling. My feeling is it doesn't

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feel right. Like in my gut? It's not there.

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That was tip number 4, excuse me, 3.

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The first one was using i statements. learning to say no,

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expressing your feelings or emotions clearly and openly.

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And the last one, that I touched on is setting personal

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boundaries for yourself. This is a way that you can be assertive,

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because Setting up your personal boundaries, and knowing

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what they are is also going to make the

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other strategies that I've given you a lot simpler to

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do. So in other words, let me use this as a small

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example, my gym time. Like, that's a nonnegotiable

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for me. I go to tick boxing every day, and I'd go to the 515

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class, so that means I leave my house at, like, 445,

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period. period.

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I had somebody ask me something. I think it was 2 days ago, and they

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were like, hey. Can you do this? And I said, I will take a

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look at it after kickboxing. That's my

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boundary that I'm setting. That's my nonnegotiable. It's

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important to me. I can't look at that right now.

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However, when I get back from class, happy to take a look and

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and and go through your message and and see how I can be

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of assistance. That's it. When you start

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setting those boundaries of

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here is here's what's important to me. And

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here's my negotiable. Here's my non negotiables. And you gain clarity

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on what those are for you We asked this

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question earlier in the week in the group about, what are some of those

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things that you do every day that is a nonnegotiable

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for you and several of you in in the

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Facebook group had posted, you know, that you've got some definite routines

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that are really important to you that you stick to every day. So

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creating that boundary for yourself, being able to say no to

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others when they start when they may be trying to encroach on that boundary is

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really, really important. simply being assertive, and you're being

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confident in what you need. This is what's important. Because

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you've better know what you need so that you can perform

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at an optimum level. Right? You are

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going to have to know when you're your best. and part

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of that is created through the boundaries that you create.

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But I gotta tell you, if you don't establish those boundaries

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for yourself, and make those boundaries clear?

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That feeling that you're getting walked all over that

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feeling of I'm not being heard, that feeling of

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I feel like nobody is listening to me is just gonna continue.

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because there's no boundaries that have been set that have that say,

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this is okay, and this is not okay. This is a

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boundary for me. it's really important.

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So those are my top 4 strategies.

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Number 1, use your eye statement. Number 2, let

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no be a complacent. Please let no be a complacent. You

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can say no, and you don't have to feel guilty.

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express your emotions openly, honestly, clearly,

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and set boundaries for yourself. These

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are super important. It's going to make what feels like you're

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being assertive or I think what maybe previously

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was conceived as being a bitch is gonna make it so much

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easier and so much clearer when you start practicing

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each of these things. So I'm kind of curious if you feel like

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if you're in listening to this and you're in the group, if you'll just

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share with me if there's something where you feel like, yeah. I haven't been

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very good at either establishing that boundary or saying

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no or anything else. If you feel like dropping that into the comments

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and super curious likely if it's an issue for you. It's it's one

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for somebody else as well. Maybe it's about family work. Who

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knows? Right? Finances? Yeah.

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I'm super super curious because here's thing. I'd love

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to hear from you guys ways in which you feel like you

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could practice or start incorporating some of these tips into your

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everyday life. Because if you start incorporating them into your everyday life,

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it can be that much simpler to just incorporate them into

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your business when you're trying to make

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decisions in your business This is gonna be,

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like, easy peasy. Right? Alright. So

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I'm gonna give a little bit of an ex of an example now. I'm gonna

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tell a little bit of a story, but I think you guys are gonna appreciate

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this story because this was a really important time in my

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career And this was the first time where I really

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felt like I had the confidence to be

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assertive in my decision and speak it

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clearly and get what I want.

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Right? So they're in long story short just several years

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ago. in the organization that I was in, we had recently,

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for me personally, I had gone through 2

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different reorganizations. And through

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that process, I had basically kind of been my

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title, my role, my my pay.

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everything had been shifted around, like, twice, like back to back in the same year,

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which, by the way, really stinks if you haven't experienced that.

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So, anyways, I was at a really, really low

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point. But what I had what I had done to that

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point was I had said, okay. if they're gonna basically

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push me back to positions to where

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I was, and now I'm back to where I was a couple years ago or

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whatever, I'm gonna make the most of it. Right? I know

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that I don't have a lot of autonomy with this

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role, However, I do know that

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I have opportunities to work with some business

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leaders And I know that I can start using those

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interactions and that work to kind

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of get more experience as a

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project manager, specifically so that I could get

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into the role that I want. I knew the area that I wanted to go

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into was project management for a few reasons. When it was gonna offer me a

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bit more autonomy, it was a it definitely is a salaried role, you

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know, your work is very dependent on the projects that you have, which can be

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good and bad. But I also knew that a project manager was something that

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off in times for different organizations can be a contract position. It's

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something that that I was thinking in my mind, hey, I've

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done freelancing before, maybe this is something I take with me. Let me get this

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experience. Right? It was it was also

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something that would have a pretty significant income change for me

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And I really felt like it was something that I

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needed to get my career to that next step.

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so that I had the mental, physical, and

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financial space to create what I

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was wanting in my own business. So it was kind of like,

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I I needed to make it to that next step. So here I was. I

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had just been gone through 2 different reorganizations.

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And I oh gosh. I don't remember

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when it was. Anyways, long story short, I

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was asked if I would take yet another

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role. If this had only been I had been re been

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reorganized maybe 6 months prior. Okay? So here I am. I'm

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finally figuring out how I can make this

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position that they've put me in work for me at the

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time, and I'm kinda I'm going along. You know? I'm starting to do it. I'm

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like, okay. If this is what it's gonna be, and I'm gonna come in, and

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I'm gonna kick ass and take me, and I'm gonna be really freaking good at

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it. And I'm gonna build relationships with all the decision

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makers. So that when push

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comes to shove next time, I might have some other opportunities.

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Right? These are the kind of people I'm gonna start surrounding myself

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with. strong leaders. So

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they was presented suddenly with an opportunity, and they wanted me to

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take yet another position. And in that position,

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I wasn't going to have as much exposure to working directly

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with business leaders, the C suite, I mean, I was a

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little bit, but not a lot. It was somewhat of a

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lateral roll. Not entirely, but it's not like it was some

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big bump. really just didn't wanna do it. It wasn't necessarily work that

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interested me or excited me. Like, it was one of

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those things maybe. If it had been a few years prior, I might

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have jumped at the opportunity. But now that I I understood that role,

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and I knew where I was at,

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This opportunity was not it, so they had contacted

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me and they wanted me to take this role, and so I said, hey. You

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know, I really appreciate you thinking about me. It's it's really an

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honor. I but I think I'd like to stay where I'm at.

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Very long story short, I get an email from the VP of

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Operations, and she's like, I need to meet with you about this

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position. I was like, a I don't wanna have to swing myself to

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this person. Like, I don't want this job. So

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long story short, I I'm like, you know what? I don't care if you are

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the VP of Operations. So I go down to her office,

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and and we meet to talk about this role, and she's like,

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you know, hey. I I need you to take this role. Now

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In between this time, in between I got when I got her email saying that

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she needed to meet with me and me actually meeting with her.

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I had talked to a couple of folks in C

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Suite that I had good relationships

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with, and they couldn't tell me exactly,

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but they were able to give me enough information where, basically, I

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knew that they were considering eliminating my role altogether.

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Now, obviously, they couldn't tell me that directly, but they gave me enough information

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they were Do you catch my drift? I'm like, I think now I'm hearing you.

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But I also got a decision to make because, man, that was

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I I was like, again? What what kind of

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decisions are being made here? And there was a big part of me

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that thought, if you had just I I need out, But I was in

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such a low state of confidence and self

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belief and trust because because

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of all of the things that had I had gone through, like, in a very

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short period of time. Because in addition to these things going

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on in my career. I had some other things in my personal life that were

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going on. Like, it was just a really, really bad time. I

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was at my absolute heaviest weight The depression was horrific.

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My finances were a disaster, like, just a really bad time, so

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my confidence level was super low. Okay? So even

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my confidence to think, oh, you know what? At at this

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income level, I can just go get another job somewhere else. But then there was

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that part of me that was like, To learn another role at another company for

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the same pay, like, why? I now

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laughed than I ever thought that. But, yeah, at that

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time, being where I was at, those were my

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thoughts. Long story short, I go into the VP I'm like, I

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really don't want this role. I don't think it's going to work for me. She

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was like, okay. I need to understand why you don't want it. And I just

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very clearly told her, I said, There's several reasons. I went into project management.

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I don't believe that this role is one that's going to help me

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continue to gain the skills and experience that I need to

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get into the project management department. Also, there

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is a company rule that you have to be in a position

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for a solid year before you can be promoted or move into

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another position. This was in

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February of that year. I knew that budgets were always

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created towards the end of the year and oftentimes promotions were made

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or announced in October or November for effective

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dates either in December or January. So

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I knew this, and so I I simply expressed clearly

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concisely. Hey, it's February if I were to

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moving to this role now. Technically, it's a promotion,

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although financially, it wouldn't be much of a promotion at all. It's more of a

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lateral move for me. but it would be considered a transfer promotion in

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which that would mean when budgets getting done towards the end of this

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year and an opportunity comes available in project management because

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I've seen the growth that we've had the last several months, I wouldn't doubt if

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we do have a position come open in that department, I wouldn't be able

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to apply for it. This is really important to me, and that's the next step

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that I wanna go in my career. And I don't believe that this position is

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gonna help me get there. Clear, concise,

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transparent, honest, and no, I

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don't want this role you're trying to sell me.

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So what I wasn't prepared for is that she just saw that as

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some negotiating opportunities, and I had never sat there

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and negotiated before. Right? I had never felt confident

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enough to say, yeah. No. I'm still not accepting that. Thanks, but no

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thanks. So the conversation carried on, and I won't go into all the

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details. But, you know, she was like, okay. Well, if I would

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be willing to sign off, if a position comes open, You know, it's February.

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Position comes open in October, November for project manager. She's like,

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I will override any document You just bring it to me because

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there was, like, an internal process you had to go through. She'd like you just

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let me know. I will sign off on it and overwrite it. I was like,

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okay. Financially, that still doesn't help

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me. Again, clearly expressed what my

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means were. She's like, okay, so then we started

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into that conversation. You know, started, well, I can give you a 3%

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bump. eye roll, okay, a 5% bump, still kind

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of an eye roll, but think, rightly, we kind of went back

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and forth. By the way, I didn't actually roll my eyes at her. But we

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went back and forth, but I was clear and concise every single time in what

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I was needing. And the thing is that was February.

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I got promoted to project manager in September. I

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promoted project manager in September It greatly

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advanced my income. I got about a 20% income

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increase. I got into a salary position where I started having

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more autonomy, more flexibility in my schedule,

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and everything just kind of had appulted from

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there. But if I hadn't been assertive

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enough to say no, keep my statement about

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I, set my boundaries. Here's the

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schedule I need. Here's the pay that I need. I'm not okay with just

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being shifted around to 20 departments. Expressing

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my thoughts and emotions and ideas clearly, I would not

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have gotten what I needed out of And I would

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have felt walked all over again, I would have felt like I was being shoved

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into yet another position that I didn't want to be in,

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Right? This was the game changer that completely

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changed the trajectory of my career and

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what I'm doing now and as a business. Completely

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changed it, but I never would have had that opportunity if I wouldn't have had

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the confidence to simply assert myself.

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So I hope that story helped. The other piece of that story that I think

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is really important is that I had been working really

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hard identify the pieces of my career that I needed and what I

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wanted to do that was going to bring me joy

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fulfillment make me feel like I was in alignment with what I was doing

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in my day job, so that I could create something else outside of that.

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I do wanna give a little bit of shout out to Rachel Williams in

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our Facebook group. She has posted an event. If you go to the events tab

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in the group and take a look, I believe she is hosting a master class

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on Monday talking about the pathway to promotion.

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And I think for a lot of you who may be trying to figure out,

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you know, at what point do I try and

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switch things up in my career so I get out of this scarcity mindset

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so I get out of this feeling of not feeling confident, you

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know, change some things up so that I can continue to build my business, or

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do I just quit my job, whatever it is that you're looking for.

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Rachel has had, I know some experiences somewhat

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similar to me in trying to navigate that

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path between, do I continue to level up my

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career? Do I continue to level up my business and let that grow? Where's

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that line? what do I want that to look like? I know that she's

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got a lot of experience as well, and so I would encourage you to check

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out that master class if that's where you find yourself And, of

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course, right here, in the whole leadership Facebook group, and in the whole whole

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letter shift face, excuse me, whole letter shift podcast, I'll be sharing a

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lot more And I'll keep sharing the stories because I have to

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tell you that story. It definitely does not end there

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while that was a pivotal moment that sent me on the right path and the

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better trajectory, the hat was just a

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small stepping stone. At the time, I thought it was the biggest stepping stone,

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That was just a tiny, tiny piece, but it

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truly set the stage for everything else that I needed to

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happen? Okay. Alright, I'm gonna wrap it up. This

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is it for the Friday copy chat. I'm so glad you guys hopped

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on. and I'll go back and make sure I can read your comments if you've

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been commenting in the Facebook group. And if you're catching this on the

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podcast, Get in here. Join us in the group. It's a whole lot

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of fun, but until then until next week, keep

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making shift happen. Hey,

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Shifters. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of a whole lot of

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shift. If you heard something today that in fired you or resonated with

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you, please head over to iTunes and leave us a review to help others as

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well. Your review helps me give as much motivation and

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inspiration as I possibly can. And don't forget, you can catch

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all the outtakes, bonuses, special live stream interviews,

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and much more over at a whole on a ship Facebook group.

About the Podcast

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A Whole Lotta Shift

About your host

Profile picture for Jen Ingram

Jen Ingram

Jen Ingram is a Confidence Catalyst and Business Mentor saving hustling female solopreneurs from the chains of corporate America. Her passion lies in helping women through their self awakening so they can finally break free, turn their side hustle into the business of their dreams, and live a life full of time, location and financial freedom.

Jen is a California girl at heart, now living out her dream in the Midwest, traveling, coaching female solopreneurs and sharing her own story of triumph and empowerment across speaking platforms. When she's not traveling, she enjoys spending time with her college aged son and her rescued Pit Bull.

After 20 years of various project manager and corporate trainer roles while juggling a wide array of side gigs, she has mastered the ability to help women see what they cannot see, believe they are meant for more and take aligned action to make it happen. With an MBA in Change Management, and a Health and Life Coach Certification from the Health Coach Institute, Jen is an expert at creating both the business process changes and the personal habit changes needed to finally Break UP with corporate and go all-in on your side hustle or long standing passion project.